I SURVIVED!

So I recognize that it's been a significantly long time since I updated my blog. 

The reason for that? Well, after my last post I returned home to California for two weeks to celebrate the holidays and when once I got back to Italy I officially went into hibernation from the world for three weeks to prepare for my first exam at L'Università di Firenze. I feel bad for anybody that had to deal with me in that span of time, for I was literally a mixture of the walking dead and a ticking time bomb of anxiety. To help you understand why I was freaking out so much, let me give you a little background on the exam.

Basically, my course was on all the works of Giacomo Leopardi, a famous Italian poet from the 1800's. The book that we studied in class was called Canti, composed of his 36 poems. When I began studying for the exam, I knew just a few facts about the exam: it was going to be on two of any of the poems, it was oral, and in Italian. Other than that, I had no idea what to expect. I had never taken an oral exam in America, let alone in another language? That's when the anxiety hit. I went to see my professor a couple of times to get better information and she gave me a better idea of what she was going to be testing me on. I'll lay it out for you in the steps that she gave to me:

1. She was going to open the book to any poem.
2. I would have to give her the background information of when it was written, published, and what section of the poems it was in, as well as what part of Leopardi's life...and why.
3. I would have to read a section of the poem, and paraphrase it in modern day Italian.
4. I would then have to analyze that piece, and discuss the overall themes of the poem and be able to answer any of the questions that she asks me.
5. Process would repeat another one or two times.

That day that she laid it all in front of me and gave me an example of what it was going to be like comforted me and freaked me the hell out at the same time. I left her office and had what you could call a nervous breakdown, or what I think of as my lowest part of the whole experience. I had just a week. Although I had been preparing for it, the realization that I had to memorize so much more than I had previously thought, as well as watching my Italian speaking abilities crumble right before her under my intimidation...well downright almost gave me a heart attack! But I woke up the next morning knowing exactly what I had to do, and prepared to kick some ass. I analyzed every single poem, read essays on the construction of them all and how it changed, and then put all my notes that I had written down inside of my book, which I was allowed to take into the exam (although I didn't end up using it under the pressure). I didn't really leave the house much for the next week and allowed myself to be consumed by Leopardi and his beautifully depressing masterpieces.

Side note: Leopardi is most certainly the most depressing author that I have ever read. He spent his whole childhood studying, to the point that he developed scoliosis and became blind in one eye. He then realized that he was horribly ugly, was completely alone, and had wasted his whole youth without truly experiencing and enjoying it. Therefore, his poetry is highly concentrated on the the loss of youth, in Leopardi's eyes, "the springtime of life." He writes a lot about youth being full of happiness and hopes for the future, but once you arrive into adulthood, you realize that the only thing that is guaranteed in life is pain and suffering, with the only true escape being death. The vastness of the universe exemplifies the true worthlessness of human life, and nature condemns humans to imminent pain. That's just a tiny background and idea of what you find in the majority of Leopardi's work, which I like to think of as a beautiful curse. I found myself feeling truly impacted by his words, however I had to continue to keep myself happy and sane because it's really hard to surround yourself with so much sadness and despair for long periods of time without feeling impacted yourself! I truly became very passionate for his poetry, and felt a lot of pity for the lonely life that he lived. I know that after some time I'll continue to read his work...a little more spread out ;)

Finally, after numerous espresso's, endless notes and translating, a loss of a little sanity, and one giant emotional roller coaster, exam day arrived. I had been getting so much support and words of encouragement, from the staff at the California University, my friends, and my family. The night before, I went to my Italian grammar professor to have a "pre" oral exam, and he spent an hour with my testing my knowledge and giving my advice to take into the test. I was scheduled to be at the office at 9:30 am, and a calender would be put up showing the order of everyone. She was calling people in one by one, and each person was taking about 30-50 minutes to complete the exam. I noticed that I was originally the 5th person when I registered to take the exam, but she had moved me down to the second to last one. So I sat and waited....and waited. That was probably the worst part, just sitting there and waiting for it to actually happen, reading over my notes, and then getting waves of major anxiety and just slowly getting tortured as she would keep coming out and not call my name. She even left to take a lunch break around 11:30, and advised me and the only three other people left to eat something as well. I tried my best to choke down a sandwich, and continued waiting. When I was finally next, I stood up next to the door and began pacing right in front of it. Two of my American friends that are also in the class with me came to listen to my exam, as advised by our Italian professors since they will be taking the exam in late February. They were a great source to calm me down, and also gave me words of reassurance. The professor came out to call my name, although she told me that she wanted to do the last guy before me, since I'm the American girl and would take the longest. Gritting my teeth, I agreed although inside I was screaming that I just wanted this to be over with already! Did I mention that by this time it was 3 pm? I had been waiting nearly five hours to take the test...five hours which made out to be an even steeper emotional roller coaster than the whole process of studying.

AT LAST she came out to get me, and I nervously got all of my things and headed to sit down in her chair. The exam started off a little rough, since I let my nerves get the best of me. She opened the book to one of the poems that I didn't particularly like, Le Ricordanze, although I decided to not say anything. I had a hard time paraphrasing the stanza she gave me, and she told me that I wasn't grasping the overall picture of this part because I was translating it word for word. In that moment, I was so intimidated and scared thinking that she was just going to tell me to come back in February. Although her next question led us into my absolute favorite poem, Canto Notturno, which made me very excited because I had prepared this one so well and had felt very passionately for it. I knew all the dates, and all the questions that she asked me, and successfully explained the theme and all of the symbolism in the poem. She was happy with this one, so she then moved onto other questions, which led us into the last poem, Aspasia. I'm not a big fan of this one either, but I knew a lot about the period that it came from and what influenced the poems and how to explain it, so I gained my confidence with my knowledge back. Although this entire time, I knew that my Italian had been way worse than I was capable of, because I crumbled under the pressure of being in front of her and let it get the best of me, expressing the first thing that came to mind which wasn't always the correct verb tenses. In the end, she told me that I needed to work on my pronunciation and grammar, which was expected, and for a moment I worried again that I wouldn't get a good grade due to that fact. But she went on to say that she wasn't my Italian teacher, she was there to teach my Leopardi, and my grammar mistakes didn't mean that I didn't study my ass off for this test, which see could see. She then told me that she was going to give me a 28, and I about jumped out of my chair. On the Italian scale, they go out of 30, and a 28 is equivalent in America to a solid A. Since this class was worth 6 units, I really needed to do well for the sake of my GPA! I wasn't expecting that high of a grade at all, since I had heard so much that a 25 was great for a foreigner. It was truly the happiest and greatest surprise that I could have received.

In that moment, all of the hell that I dealt with while trying to study for that exam was validated. The weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and the reality finally started to sink in that I got an A at an Italian University...on a test that was given to me in a complete other language. Needless to say, I went home and had a delicious dinner, a piece of chocolate cake, and a giant glass of wine in celebration. It feels so great to have come back to life, and I can finally say that I can begin to appreciate Leopardi, and not attribute it to the hell that he gave me in these past few weeks. This week, I truly showed myself that I'm capable of whatever I set my mind to, and hard work is always paid off. Now for a nice break before I see what next semester has in store for me!